Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
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My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?