My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
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Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.