HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
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My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less