Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
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Best Mother鈥檚 Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
promising I won鈥檛 get too involved in my son鈥檚 little league game but it鈥檚 the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children鈥檚 voices at the door* ok! let鈥檚 get started
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn鈥檛 understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
If one door closes & another door opens, you鈥檙e probably in prison.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Still no power, and it looks like it鈥檒l be off at least a few more days. So, it鈥檚 Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 馃槅馃槅
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHR脰DINGER: *nods approvingly*
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.