In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
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I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.