Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
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When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Finally a use for spoilers…
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?