Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
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Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.