Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
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I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.