I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
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Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.