[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
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My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle