A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
New Tinder profile.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.