Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
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My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
stand with me against insufficient seating
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.