They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
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“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
eggs benadryl
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Anime is real
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad