My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
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[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school