An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
You Might Also Like
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct