At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
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If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.