america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
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Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.