“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
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*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
yea so i messed up lol
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
You sure about that?
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?