Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
You Might Also Like
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.