Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
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But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Don’t tell me what to do
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.