Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
You Might Also Like
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
lmao
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax