The cats activated the rainbow portal again
You Might Also Like
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Leaving the Barbers like
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.