No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
You Might Also Like
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak