Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
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Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake