Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
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There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”