Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
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God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Finally, an explanation.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?