Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
You Might Also Like
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?