My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
You Might Also Like
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people