I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
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Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Twitter remains undefeated
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes