Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
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Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD