What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
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Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
“you recording!?”
You deplete me
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
english majors be like furthermore
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.