Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
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I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.