Stop it! 😂
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Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
girls literally only want one thing..
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
cats when you pet them too long: