Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
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Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…