Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
You Might Also Like
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.