Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
You Might Also Like
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!