[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
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imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single