a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
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“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille