Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
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Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
doing some research
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.