Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
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Radiohead fans, this is for you.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.