Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
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*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?