In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
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Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Do robots dream of electric sheep?