Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
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My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.