DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
You Might Also Like
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
And bowling should be called pinball
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
wait.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.