You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
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Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
God has abandoned us.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
scrabbled eggs
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
*me flirting
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.