I think we should hear other voices.
You Might Also Like
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
For anyone who needs this today
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information