Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
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Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Where’s my employee discount too?
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.