Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
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Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
No. YOU-buprofen.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
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