I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
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We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH