14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
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OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here